[ unfortunately for loki, tony is getting all of this in real time.
even more unfortunate (possibly for the both of them) is the fact that he can't seem to ignore him. despite his efforts to remove himself from what has been going on with the lokis (or with any of the others from back home), he is still keeping track of the progression of events. he doesn't have any interest in "leading" anyone while he's here, but he does want to ensure that they're safe and that they aren't causing enough trouble to, for lack of a better word, implicate everyone else in their mishaps.
he has more than one reason for why he's being so hands off. some of these reasons were a direct result of his time in new amsterdam; others stem from even long before then. given his current state, he doesn't think he's fit to seriously look after or "lead" anyone when he is barely tethering on the brink of a relapse.
it wasn't fair of him to judge or be upset with loki though and it wasn't until after their conversation that it slowly began to dawn on him that his anger was misplaced. it wasn't right that loki murdered kid loki, but the complexities of their lives (especially the life of a god) doesn't give much room for harsh criticism.
he also knows something about stories — about having something larger than you rewrite and dictate segments or even your entire life on a whim, changing the history of events you knew to be true and erasing the memories you had to paint their own portrait. on a much smaller scale, it happened with the media back on 616; on a much more recent and detrimental scale, the aeries had wiped him of who he was and reshaped him to fit into its story of how the world should be and his place in it. he understands the helplessness in it; the anger and frustration that comes from it, and the desperation in wanting to regain some control over the narrative, no matter how insignificant. he has centuries of memories now from another life that continues to leak through despite his best efforts to keep them tightly contained and compartmentalized.
even if he tries to convince himself that he wasn't in control of his own actions then and that his memories aren't real, he doesn't have any leg to stand on as far as moral high grounds go. not anymore. he can't fault loki for what he has done when he has committed worse atrocities whether he wanted to or not.
it's a lengthy moment before he responds. ]
i spent almost a year in anonymity back on the other earth. it gave me the chance to be someone i'm not for once. no one recognized me or heard of my name, no media outlet hounded me or reported my every action.
not gonna lie, i started to feel a bit spoiled by it.
but you want to know what the funny thing is? before i came here, something happened that made me realize that being tony stark was my best bet. when the stories have already been prewritten and there is no way to change it, then there isn't much you can do about it. people will judge you based on what they know of you. sometimes it's only a handful of individuals; other times it's a whole country. sure, you can work towards changing the narrative and pursuing their respect or acknowledgment, but that's like a dog chasing after its own tail. you might get a bite of it one day, but sooner or later, you're going to lose your grip on it. we are who we are because of the experiences we have had. they've given us the armor and tools we need to defend ourselves and continue moving forward.
you don't need to separate yourself from being loki. you just need to be able to differentiate between who you really are or who you want to be and the version of you that everyone else knows.
strive for the former, disregard the latter. that's it.
no subject
even more unfortunate (possibly for the both of them) is the fact that he can't seem to ignore him. despite his efforts to remove himself from what has been going on with the lokis (or with any of the others from back home), he is still keeping track of the progression of events. he doesn't have any interest in "leading" anyone while he's here, but he does want to ensure that they're safe and that they aren't causing enough trouble to, for lack of a better word, implicate everyone else in their mishaps.
he has more than one reason for why he's being so hands off. some of these reasons were a direct result of his time in new amsterdam; others stem from even long before then. given his current state, he doesn't think he's fit to seriously look after or "lead" anyone when he is barely tethering on the brink of a relapse.
it wasn't fair of him to judge or be upset with loki though and it wasn't until after their conversation that it slowly began to dawn on him that his anger was misplaced. it wasn't right that loki murdered kid loki, but the complexities of their lives (especially the life of a god) doesn't give much room for harsh criticism.
he also knows something about stories — about having something larger than you rewrite and dictate segments or even your entire life on a whim, changing the history of events you knew to be true and erasing the memories you had to paint their own portrait. on a much smaller scale, it happened with the media back on 616; on a much more recent and detrimental scale, the aeries had wiped him of who he was and reshaped him to fit into its story of how the world should be and his place in it. he understands the helplessness in it; the anger and frustration that comes from it, and the desperation in wanting to regain some control over the narrative, no matter how insignificant. he has centuries of memories now from another life that continues to leak through despite his best efforts to keep them tightly contained and compartmentalized.
even if he tries to convince himself that he wasn't in control of his own actions then and that his memories aren't real, he doesn't have any leg to stand on as far as moral high grounds go. not anymore. he can't fault loki for what he has done when he has committed worse atrocities whether he wanted to or not.
it's a lengthy moment before he responds. ]
i spent almost a year in anonymity back on the other earth. it gave me the chance to be someone i'm not for once. no one recognized me or heard of my name, no media outlet hounded me or reported my every action.
not gonna lie, i started to feel a bit spoiled by it.
but you want to know what the funny thing is? before i came here, something happened that made me realize that being tony stark was my best bet. when the stories have already been prewritten and there is no way to change it, then there isn't much you can do about it. people will judge you based on what they know of you. sometimes it's only a handful of individuals; other times it's a whole country. sure, you can work towards changing the narrative and pursuing their respect or acknowledgment, but that's like a dog chasing after its own tail. you might get a bite of it one day, but sooner or later, you're going to lose your grip on it. we are who we are because of the experiences we have had. they've given us the armor and tools we need to defend ourselves and continue moving forward.
you don't need to separate yourself from being loki. you just need to be able to differentiate between who you really are or who you want to be and the version of you that everyone else knows.
strive for the former, disregard the latter. that's it.