voicelog | metaheroes

thank odin's beard you are the only one who will not talk to me, i cannot talk to anyone anymore except this phone which is set to diction because fUCK TYPING
you won't reply so this is fffine, allow me to ramble and then delete this from your computerised mindscape

i am so well known across so many universes, saying nothing else i can offer my name and everyone has some idea of who i am
i am Loki
i am seen and spoken of and told so many things about myself
sometimes they become absorbed into my past, the stories become true and i remember them like they happened, because then they did
gods have no history, only stories
STORIES STORIES STORIES

i am tired of being told which story to be
it happened once, in a story-that-was-but-is-no-more
i met my future self and he had razed midgard to the ground where he sat on a throne of bones as tall as a mountain, he did it because everyone called him nothing but Liar
Liar, Trickster, no good could ever come from him for long, they said, and they laughed
so he stabbed Thor as he fell in line with it all

he set me on fire
i think i ought to like fire, i have a rune named for me and i am said to be a spirit of fire, sometimes
in some tales
they do not say i am ice

he set me on fire

i tore off his face and he was my twin beneath, he sobbed in my arms with the guilt of it, then i put him in a gemstone to give him peace and i knew to always beware of how stories could affect me
i became the god of stories, to protect myself
stories are just lies, after all

the boy has been telling people for a while now that i murdered him, that i was a questionable character who stole his skin and paraded around
and i did
but i also didn't
i was
i think i was turning bad for a while, before he acquired the demon and i settled the issue with him

you ought to know, i would want to be stopped if i ever became like the old man again
you have my permission, and my blessing
but do not cut off my head for that will not kill me
i hate being beheaded

i think he hated the avengers so, so much because it was another family to which thor belonged which he could never touch
i too yearn to be one
perhaps i only inherited that from him, too
i do not know who i am if i am not Loki

sometimes i wonder what my name would have been

ALTHOUGH i AM totally drunk and YOU are the second coolest avenger
i hope i die from alcohol poisoning and never awaken to know you have read thisssssldkjfl

[ unfortunately for loki, tony is getting all of this in real time.

even more unfortunate (possibly for the both of them) is the fact that he can't seem to ignore him. despite his efforts to remove himself from what has been going on with the lokis (or with any of the others from back home), he is still keeping track of the progression of events. he doesn't have any interest in "leading" anyone while he's here, but he does want to ensure that they're safe and that they aren't causing enough trouble to, for lack of a better word, implicate everyone else in their mishaps.

he has more than one reason for why he's being so hands off. some of these reasons were a direct result of his time in new amsterdam; others stem from even long before then. given his current state, he doesn't think he's fit to seriously look after or "lead" anyone when he is barely tethering on the brink of a relapse.

it wasn't fair of him to judge or be upset with loki though and it wasn't until after their conversation that it slowly began to dawn on him that his anger was misplaced. it wasn't right that loki murdered kid loki, but the complexities of their lives (especially the life of a god) doesn't give much room for harsh criticism.

he also knows something about stories — about having something larger than you rewrite and dictate segments or even your entire life on a whim, changing the history of events you knew to be true and erasing the memories you had to paint their own portrait. on a much smaller scale, it happened with the media back on 616; on a much more recent and detrimental scale, the aeries had wiped him of who he was and reshaped him to fit into its story of how the world should be and his place in it. he understands the helplessness in it; the anger and frustration that comes from it, and the desperation in wanting to regain some control over the narrative, no matter how insignificant. he has centuries of memories now from another life that continues to leak through despite his best efforts to keep them tightly contained and compartmentalized.

even if he tries to convince himself that he wasn't in control of his own actions then and that his memories aren't real, he doesn't have any leg to stand on as far as moral high grounds go. not anymore. he can't fault loki for what he has done when he has committed worse atrocities whether he wanted to or not.

it's a lengthy moment before he responds. ]

i spent almost a year in anonymity back on the other earth. it gave me the chance to be someone i'm not for once. no one recognized me or heard of my name, no media outlet hounded me or reported my every action.

not gonna lie, i started to feel a bit spoiled by it.

but you want to know what the funny thing is? before i came here, something happened that made me realize that being tony stark was my best bet. when the stories have already been prewritten and there is no way to change it, then there isn't much you can do about it. people will judge you based on what they know of you. sometimes it's only a handful of individuals; other times it's a whole country. sure, you can work towards changing the narrative and pursuing their respect or acknowledgment, but that's like a dog chasing after its own tail. you might get a bite of it one day, but sooner or later, you're going to lose your grip on it. we are who we are because of the experiences we have had. they've given us the armor and tools we need to defend ourselves and continue moving forward.

you don't need to separate yourself from being loki. you just need to be able to differentiate between who you really are or who you want to be and the version of you that everyone else knows.

strive for the former, disregard the latter. that's it.

[ At around 11am the next morning: ]

aaaughhhhh ohhhh nooo AGGHHHH DICTION OFF, OFF!!

eloquent

i think

i talk too much
maybe

you don't say

the epiphanies are now in full swing:
i need a bacon laden breakfast
with beans and eggs and toast

do you wanna eat
not to be dramatic but i will lie here and starve if you say no and leave me no impetus to get up and showered

i'm not rly looking for a heartfelt conversation with you over bacon and eggs loki

thought you might say that
well, then

my thanks for what you said

Edited 2022-04-10 07:46 (UTC)

[ he's going to regret this. ]

i could use a doughnut though

[ Fifteen minutes later a box of iced doughnuts arrives on a desk near Tony (it bursts into being with a magical green "pop!"). Attached is a note stuck with sellotape that has been drawn in colourful markers.

But the doughnuts are good. ]

you're a real da vinci, kid

[ he is just going to... set that drawing aside for now. did it make him smile the teensiest bit? it will forever be a mystery. 💁‍♂️ ]

thanks for the doughnuts
but i was trying to invite you to go get them together
you know, for breakfast

[ Surprised!! ]

but you never want to hang out with me
i thought this way you might enjoy the best of both worlds

we just had a very awkward exchange
can we skip the part where i have to justify my actions too?

that's fair

ok, here's the tea:
i am super hela-hungover because jotnar are like, 927636337% ice-blood, so i'm still
woosy
as evidenced by the fact i cannot think of a better description right now
i know i look rough so don't let me know because i know (you know?)
i'll be in the hat at the back of the shop, come find me

[ Sending directions to a fancy patisserie!! ]

i'll see you soon

[ and he will be there soon. being able to use iron man more freely than he did back in new amsterdam has been a real luxury. ]

[ Loki sits at a back-corner away from the perky morning clientele, green hood pulled up over a garish yellow cap where he sits with his cheek in a hand, nursing a coffee. Having gone on a bender for the first time since Thor last bailed him out of the precinct back home he feels more than a little out of practice in the art of Getting Wasted, yet has somehow refrained from buying anything to eat before his breakfast date arrives.

As much as he enjoys harassing Tony for his attention, most of the comfort therein is never getting it, so to now have his company when Loki has neither showered or brushed his teeth has him more than a little wrong-footed. He will have to make up for this in the future, somehow. He will have to be glorious, the next time they meet ...

Spying Tony's entrance, he raises a hand in some effort at flagging him down. It isn't difficult to spot the out-of-place Asgardian hunched like a dying worm over a latte amidst the bright early-birds, however. ]

Morning ... youuu.

[ Fingergun! ]

[ unlike loki, tony did not go on a late night bender and wake up in the morning with a nasty headache. he also didn't make the mortifying discovery that his drunk self went on an emotional texting spree. so unlike the god of mischief, he looks great in comparison. starting a new business has really done wonders for his complexion.

he still hasn't been sleeping much, but having a normal sleep schedule is for the nonworkaholics of the multiverse.

dressed casually in a black hooded jacket and jeans, he slides into the seat opposite loki. ]

Morning. [ this entire situation is weird, isn't it? ] Did you order something to eat yet?

[ He tries to work the Pathetic Mortal Hangover tack and pouts, looking up from under his lashes. ]

I did not. I was awaiting your arrival, to be polite.

[ And starving in the process!! ]

Edited 2022-04-16 21:28 (UTC)

You didn't have to wait on account of me.

[ he nods toward the menu on the table. ]

Go ahead and order whatever you want.

They teach manners on Asgard. Sometimes.

[ Freyja taught them to Loki specifically, more like. He brings the menu up to pore over, stomach growling as he attempts to ignore it. ]

Three chocolate cinnamon rolls with cream and a berry explosion fruit juice? In large. Oh! [ He spots his one true love!! ] I should like the bacon roll with the ketchup condiment, too! And extra bacon. With melted cheese!

[ ... Glancing up. ]

Please.

[ honestly, he expected him to order more. ]

Sure. [ he motions over a nearby server as he repeats the order to her. adding two cheese danishes and a cup of coffee, he thanks her with an amicable smile before he returns his attention to loki. he didn't come here without reason, so he's just gonna get straight to the point. ]

So, do you want to talk about what happened last night now or after your drink gets here?

Why do you want to talk about it at all? I got drunk, that's nothing new.

[ Sipping his coffee, he tugs his cap down. ]

I didn't intend to text you. If anything, I ought to be congratulated for not texting anyone who actually would have given a shit and made today even more mortifying.

[ Positives!! ]

Yes, that's the problem. You got drunk enough to text me.

[ he splays open his left palm as a holographic screen pops up with loki's drunk ramble on full display. ]

With this. [ he points at it. ] Not what I would call "nothing new", Loki.

[ Where did that screen come from, stupid electric blooded-whatever. He only shies his curious gaze when it hooks on his own babbling text.

I wrote to you because if I wrote to anyone else they would have come over. Your distain is reliable and predictable.

... Is what Loki does not say, no longer being five sheets to the wind. ]

I ... apologise for the inconvenience.

metaheroes - inbox

LOKIOFASGARD; text

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